Hello and welcome to Newshour, the show where the nation finds its conscience. This is Arnab Goswami, and today, we shall discuss a topic that the entire nation is asking.
Are we heading towards a nation of chaos and anarchy? What has happened to our voice as a nation? WHY ARE WE BECOMING A SPINELESS NATION? WHO IS GOING TO GIVE US THE ANSWERS? INDIA NEEDS SOME ANSWERS!
(Assistant whispers): “Psst, sir! Today’s show is on cricket, sir.???
Arnab: (Looks straight into the camera) Ladies and Gentlemen, today we talk about cricket. More specifically, we talk about the people who talk about cricket (smiles).
Most of the knowledgable, respected cricketers go on to do commentary. Which leaves the administration to be run by politicians and industrialists, who squeeze every drop of blood from the board. Why is it so? That’s the question we are going to ask tonight.
We have with us the cricketing voice of the nation, Mr. Ravi Shastri, and a gentlemen who has been doing commentary for decades – Mr. Gavaskar, Mr. Sidhu, and from across the border, we have Mr. Waqar Younis.
Arnab: Let me begin with you, Mr. Shastri. As a nation, everyone is complaining about how we play the most cricket in the world, but have the most boring commentators in the world. Don’t you think the people of the nation deserve better?
Shastri: “Hello and welcome to an exciting day here at Delhi. The scene seems to be set for an exciting clash and you can literally feel the excitement among the crowd here…???
Arnab: “See? This is exactly what I meant! There is a sense of arrogance in the way you talk….???
Shastri: “When did you say that????
Arnab: “Mr. Shastri, ARE YOU telling me that you are an arrogant person????
Arnab: (smiles) “That’s why I didn’t say it.??? (smiles) (Journalism student in faraway Jaipur has an orgasm)
“My question to you, Mr. Shastri, is this: Why is cricket commentary so boring? Why can’t it be made interesting????
Shastri: “See, the people have to understand that you cannot have realistic expectations. Now where do commentators do commentary from?
Arnab: “From their hearts? With their passion? They…???
Shastri: “No! They do it from the Commentary Box. Now, if you are already in the Box, how can one think out of the Box? (smiles and waves to Navjyot Sidhu who breaks into laughter, only for his mike to be quickly switched off).
Arnab: “I’m sorry to say, Mr. Shastri, but a discerning viewer would say that you’re skirting the issue here. The viewers are paying for it with their time and money. Don’t they deserve better commentary????
Shastri: “Well, when there is a big match on, you need a big match performer. And that’s where Yuvraj is so crucial to India’s plan of things. ‘Cos when he hits them, they stay hit….???
Arnab: “ARE you even listening, Mr. Shastri? This brings me to the next allegation that people have made against you. That you always speak in clichés? Why do you do that????
Shastri: “Well you know what they say, “It doesn’t matter how they come, as long as they come…???
Arnab: “There you go again, Mr. Shastri. The people have gotten tired of the stuff you say. Most people also find it unethical that you, Mr. Gavaskar, and Harsha Bhogle are signed for every tournament, even though you’re paid by BCCI to push its agenda. Don’t you think it’s unfair? Let me put that question to Mr. Gavaskar sitting here in the studio. What do you have to say to that, Mr. Gavaskar????
Gavaskar: “Australians! I hate Australians!! Australian cricketers should be banned from cricket, and from Australia. They have also been the No.1 cause for global warming in the world. We should nuke Australia.???
Arnab: “THERE YOU SEE IT! One man pushing his agenda and the other man who deals with clichés. Is this the best the viewer can get????
Shastri: The match is nicely poised here….
Arnab: “We’ll take a short break here, and come back with more issues with Mr. Shastri. Stay tuned.
Shastri: “At the end of the over, India 134 for 3.???
Arnab: (turns to Shastri and frowns) “Ahem, see you on the other side….???
Sidhu: …where the grass is green, guru!
Arnab smiles uncomfortably.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: A girl is walking on the road, when three men pass vulgar comments at her. She looks down and thinks, “Kab tak main yeh sehti rahungi????. When she reaches home, her sister gives her a pack of Fair and Lovely. The next day, when she turns her head, her face gets five shades fairer in five days. In two weeks, she has turned into a blinding ray of light. She walks on the same road, the people turn to look at her…Nanana….NanaNANA….she turns to them, and they burn into ash.
Naya Fair and Lovely – Ab Goraapan ko Laws of Nature tak kyun seemit rakhein?)
Arnab: Welcome back to Newshour. We are discussing Indian cricket and the commentary that comes with it. Mr. Shastri, my next question to you is that over the last few years, we have seen Dravid, Ganguly, and Laxman take the mike. But why do no cricketers, with the exception of Kumble and Srinath, take up any administrative positions in the board?
Shastri: That’s the end of the over. Time to welcome Sherry into the box!
Arnab: (Turns to Sidhu) Alright, let me ask Mr. Sidhu. You see, everybody who has nothing to do with cricket, is now running cricket. But Mr. Sidhu – you have judged laughter challenges, become a politician, and a commentator – in short you have done everything except being an administrator. How will you explain that to the nation?
Sidhu: Oye, Guru! A Hard Disk is like Hard Dicks. When it crashes, there is no noise. But the pall of gloom that descends into the ebbs of…
Arnab: Will you please answer my question, sir?
Sidhu: …darkness resonates with the fist of the devil in the guise of an angel in the beckoning of the soul in the night of the winter. Kyun ki, Guru! Na maen momin vich maseet aan
Na maen vich kufar diyan reet aan, Na maen paakaan vich paleet aan, Na maen moosa na pharaun.
Bulleh! ki jaana maen kaun…
Arnab: (looks sideways to his producer, nods, and puts his hand to ear) Hello, hello? We cannot hear you, sir. Please stay right there, Mr. Sidhu, we’ll get back to you in a while.
We also have with us from Lahore, Mr. Waqar Younis, who had an accomplished career, but has gone on to become a coach, administrator, and a commentator too (Ravi Shastri giggles at this point).
Arnab: Mr. Younis, what is the difference between the Indian system and the Pakistani system?
Younis: Well, the boys play the fantastic, they bending the backs, giving in 100%, the balls coming on to the bat nicely. As you see, they’re playing up to the potential, side’s looking good.
Arnab: Great! One person who doesn’t stop explaining, the other who doesn’t even start making sense. Mr. Shastri, the recent IPL controversy shocked the nation, yet the commentators went on as if nothing ever happened. There was not a single statement from the most respected cricketers…
Shastri: The good thing about Gilchrist is, he lets his bat do the talking.
Arnab: Mister Shastri, are you even listening to me?
Shastri: Yuvraj, you beauty…!
Arnab: MISTER SHASTRI, I demand you answer my question. I demand an answer. The nation demands an answer. You HAVE to answer now!
Shastri: Exactly! And one just gets a feeling now, that something is going to happen….
Arnab: YOU SHALL GIVE ME THE ANSWER, MR. SHASTRI. That’s what’s going to happen…
Shastri: You know what they say, when you want to flash, flash hard…
Arnab: THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM ASKING YOU, YOU BUMBLING IDIOT! INDIA DEMANDS AN ANSWER…
Shastri: One just gets a feeling that this is going to go down to the wire…
Arnab: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…..(puts his hand in his drawer, pulls something out, and brings out a black AK-47) Dear viewers, I have never had to take this extreme step, but as you can see, India needs an answer, and I shall get it for India. (Turns to Shastri) So, Mr. Shastri, are you going to TELL ME or NOT?
Shastri: One can’t really tell, looking at this pitch…seems like its going to come up to the bat, but in cricket, one can never tell…
Arnab: I DEMAND YOU TELL ME, MISTER SHASTRI. WILL YOU STOP TALKING IN CLICHES? OR I SHALL HAVE TO STRIKE UPON THEE WITH VENGEANCE…
Shastri: You can feel the tension in the crowd now. No one is moving from their seat…
Arnab: YAAAAAAAAAA…..(starts shooting at Shastri. A spray of bullets hit him in the chest)
Shastri: (falls from chair) One just gets a feeling… (puts his hand to chest) that went like a tracer bullet!
Arnab: (Adjusts his hair, settles back in his seat, and looks at the camera) Ladies and Gentlemen, when India needs an answer, we will go to any lengths to get it. As the viewers will agree, in the end, it was a victory for truth.
Sidhu: Oye Guru… (Arnab turns towards him, and he freezes into silence)
Arnab: That was all for today. Tomorrow, we shall deal with another of the nation’s problems. Thank you for watching!