(By Aadithyan Mohan)
We’ve sent in the reports, and we’re waiting. Any minute now.
And, yes. It’s confirmed ladies and gentlemans, little children and adult-shaped children, we’ve gotten word. The mysterious and shady organisation “They??? have confirmed all our suspicions. It is an undeniable fact that any form of Marijuana will cause irreparable damage to the fabrc of your lives and will make you forsake all your livelihoods. Or so we can assume, all we really got from They were the two words “Weed bad.???
But seeing as we are members of an intelligent and cultured species, as we have repeatedly shown in our past and most recent history, we feel that we can elaborate on the matter through some simple extrapolation of this ineffably profound statement from people who just simply know better than us.
Let’s take a look at three of the prime, and irrefutable, reasons that confirm the truth that you shouldn’t be consuming cannabis or marijuana in any way. By the way, these reasons are unquestionably rooted in undeniable logic. Undeniable.
1. Every time Marijuana is Consumed, A Cow Dies.
Whether it be smoked in a joint, chillum, pipe, or a bong; whether it is consumed as bhang or eaten, through the use of canna-butter; if it is used through some other means such as lip balm or weed/hash oil; everytime you use marijuana, a cow dies.
These horrendous practices are only carried on by the most base of individuals. Because a member of the most sacred of bovine creatures, the divine cow, gets killed by their actions! Yes, cows are living beings, and all living beings die, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s because of Them! They said it all along!
2. It Opens The Mind and Makes You Embrace New Experiences.
The usage of marijuana products is a highly causative and catalytic process. The usage of cannabis related products is known by some people to make you more open-minded and at peace with the world. They view this effect with great suspicion, as this doesn’t sound like what they agreed upon.
And there will be no embracing going on here, thank you very much. Only after marriage to someone from same caste, socio-economic class and similar levels of privileged exposure. We have quite enough of that sort of thing going on already. It is against Indian culture, and thus is wrong. We must not deviate from the clear stream of truth that has led our glorious nation so far. And to allow weeds to enter this stream would be to muddy its waters with introspection. This is no time to listen to your inner voice and conscience.
3. People Who Smoke Marijuana Are Evil Anti-Social Elements.
It has been noticed that a lot of Them, these sinners who use cannabis, congregate in large numbers. We are not sure what goes on in these gatherings, as we would not want any of our sources to be exposed to their toxicity, even in the pursuit of truth. But observation from a distance, and information relayed from one brave operative who held their ear against an adjoining wall for twenty minutes, has revealed that they usually play some sort of music, laugh in inappropriate amounts, consume alcoholic spirits and engage in some manner of dancing.
Given what we know of the deviant effects of marijuana, we are sure that this dancing is somehow ritualistic in nature, and will most certainly lead to sex. This is unpardonable. Besides, this idea of ‘fun’ is an import from Western imperialist pig dogs, and is not a part of Indian culture. Also, a lot of people who consume marijuana are artistic types and writers.
It has long been known that They regard these types with a deep and abiding suspicion that does not border on gross paranoia in any way. In fact, They say that marijuana is the reason why all these writers are returning their awards. This is obviously a clear waste of time, and what would be the point of writing or accomplishment without awards. How can you show your face to the neighbours?
This is of course, ignoring an India in which sadhus walk the roads of their souls, toking on their holy grass in their chillums. This is ignoring an India where weed has been smoked and used for millennia. This is not an India where government run bhang shops – where small packets of marijuana can also be bought – operate in numerous state across North India.
This would be true in an India where bhang is not consumed by whole populaces during several festivals. This happens in an India where one of the major gods of the Hindu pantheon, the Almighty Shiva himself, is not strongly associated with the herb. This is in an India where it’s far better to be a bonsai tree, than one that was left to itself and nature.
To consider how Marijuana is still illegal in an India which is none of the things mentioned above, would just be embarrassing. And also trying to reconcile all the conflicting ideas on what makes Hindui… I mean Indian culture, will make the universe implode. Seriously, They say so.
So once again, can you tell me why weed is illegal in India again?
Oh! Because it makes you think. And how can you do that?