Things to Do When Stuck in Bangalore Traffic

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Bangalore Traffic

What is the first thing about Bangalore that catches your attention once you’re in the city? You’re lying if you said ‘the airport’.  It is because everybody knows about the Bangalore Airport is so far off, it’s located somewhere near Mysore.

It is often said that time flies. But if you’re caught in Bangalore traffic, time stops, perches atop a tree, and decides to take a dump over your shoulder. Pardon my knowledge of etymology, but no wonder it’s called jam and not sauce! Complaining about traffic is like Arvind Kejriwal proclaiming he’s a dengue mosquito and later struggling with Dengue spreading in Delhi, because when you complain about traffic, you should also realize that you’re a part of traffic.

Here’s a list of things, apart from swearing, adjusting your underwear that gets stuck in crevices around the genitals, and ogling at the girl riding pillion behind the dude on the bike and then avoiding eye contact with the dude because he’s looking at you and not your girlfriend since you don’t have one, that one can do while being stuck in traffic.

1. WATCH AN ENTIRE TV SERIES:

The situation becomes so irresolvable sometimes that you might end up having enough time to watch an entire TV series, and then be left with enough time to post a review on your blog which is followed by as many people as can be counted on your right hand’s fingers after four of them have been bitten off by Somnath Bharti’s dog given you are not Hrithik Roshan.

If possible, carry your laptop in case you are travelling anywhere within Bangalore, and start watching FRIENDS as soon as you get stuck at the Silk Board junction. It is because firstly, the traffic moves so slow there that you are forced to wonder if it should be spelled as Silk Bored, and secondly, you don’t have any friends.

'Friends' would never be shot in India. Because boys and girls should not live together. #IndianSanskaar
Friends’ would never be shot in India. Because boys and girls should not live together. #IndianSanskaar

2. WRITE THE SCRIPT FOR THE NEXT ROHIT SHITTY SHETTY MOVIE

Actually, you can write three of them, since you just need to visualize cars being destroyed as if they were Imran Khan’s movies and not cars, and there are a number of them lying around you for inspiration like Kate Winslet in Titanic. Write one script, change the actors and voila! You have a new script.

Rohit Shetty Meme (2)

 

3. READ UP ON THE INTERNET TO UNDERSTAND SIMPLE TERMS LIKE FEMINISM, MISOGYNY, ETC.

Agreed, the toughest things that we’ve been made to read are Dino Morea’s expressions, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t focus on less important things, like vocabulary. Words like feminism are being thrown around carelessly, like notes on a bar dancer. For instance, most people don’t know about this, but misogyny is not an excuse for bad acting skills. It also has nothing to do with eating meat, the traffic jam that you’re stuck in, or Kattappa killing Bahubali.

So, research about such words that you use with such élan, and discover. For instance, misogyny means ‘your mindset’.

feminist meme

4. GROW A BEARD

If it takes a lot of time for you to grow a beard, and you just shaved that morning following which you now look like the son that you could have fathered if your crush didn’t find your looks so childish, traffic jam is the place to be in. The traffic jam will last long enough for you to become a man again before anyone notices, because the three people who otherwise notice you, namely your boss, your roommate and your mom, are not around.

Grew this on my way from Majestic to Indiranagar, bro.
Grew this on my way from Majestic to Indiranagar, bro!

5. LOOK FOR A JOB:

Statistically speaking, if you throw a stone in Marathahalli or Whitefield, it’ll hit:

a: a guy speeding away to fulfil an online order delivery

b: an IT employee

c: a start-up CEO

So, get down and start looking for prospective employers, since your current work-life balance is like Jayalalitha’s BMI.

6. DRAW INDRANI MUKHERJEA’S FAMILY TREE

Start drawing Indrani-Mukherjea’s relationship layout at HSR layout. Chances are that you know about her family tree better than your own. Attempt to draw it in one go. If you’re really good at this, you’ll probably end up with one husband and three lovers left by the time you reach Silk Bored. Yes, think about her lovers since you don’t have one of your own, and you ought not to have any since you’re taking advice from a listicle written by someone you haven’t heard of.

Indrani Family Tree: 'We Have Many Branches'. PC: India Today
The Indrani Mukherjea Family Tree: ‘We Have Many Branches’. PC: India Today

7. WRITE A NOVEL:

In other cities, you can read a book while you’re stuck in a traffic jam. In Bangalore, you can begin writing your own novel, finish it, and get it selected by a publisher before you reach your destination.

Anyway, the kind of books written today are easy on the brain. So think of a wacky name like ‘I Too Had a 7.8 Something Girlfriend Who Lived in 2 States – The Confusing Love Story of an IITian‘. It is sure to sell like hotcakes.

*This is not a real book. It's a meme*
                                     *This is not a real book. It’s a meme*

It’s time to move, because it looks like the traffic has cleared. In my defence, this listicle is longer than a Rohit Shetty movie script.

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