This Rakhi, avoid being Bhai-zoned

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Rakshabandhan began when Subhadra tied a Rakhi to Krishna before the war. Since then, the festival has been a nightmare for Indian guys.

It’s that time of the year when golgappa waale find solace in the fact that they aren’t the only bhaiyyas around. Guys are running away from like their mothers want them to have tindey ki sabzi for dinner, and girls are chasing guys as if they are discount coupons.

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The fear surrounding Rakshabandhan is ubiquitous, and not without reason. Salman Khan, the role model of all brothers, and criminals who’re looking to evade jail time, entered the bhai-zone long back and is still celibating bachelorhood.

For most guys, Rakshabandhan puts the har in tyohar. Bhai-zone, unlike ozone, has no gaping holes, no avenues for escape. It’s a really difficult place to be, especially so if the girl happens to be your crush. She wants you to be her brother, and you’re like kanya-damn!

But worry knot (Worry knot is the knot used to tie Rakhi). Here are some contextual guidelines about what could be done in case your crush wants to crush your heart.

1. BUNK CLASSES: For most guys, this is the easiest option since they don’t attend classes anyway. No need to go out of the line as it entails two significant risks. First, girls might chase you like McCullum chases balls headed toward the boundary. Second is the following conversation.

Teacher: Who are you? Never seen you in class before

You: Who needs your class when I already have enough class?

Teacher: Call your parents!

Unfortunately for you, you aren’t Batman and therefore, you will have to call your parents.

2. IF YOU’RE IN DELHI, don’t worry. Girls are unlikely to approach you, especially so since every Delhi guy’s nickname is BC.

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3. FEIGN SICKNESS: If necessary, tell her you have herpes/ Ebola. Watch her say ‘Kya bola?’ before she flees the scene.

4. IF SHE’S UNRELENTING as your mother who wants you to get married, offer her a mangalsutra in exchange for the Rakhi. It’ll reduce your problem at least by half. If she denies, you’re happy but your mother isn’t. If she says yes, you and your mother both are happy, but the girl isn’t. Hey, let’s not pretend that we care.

5. IF SHE FOLLOWS GAME OF THRONES, go on the offensive. Try any or all of the following:

  • Tell her you’ve read the books. Watch her run away from you as if you’re a White Walker.
  • Talk about your favourite character Jaime.
  • Tell her that sister rhymes with Lannister.
  • Tell her that she reminds you of Cersei. Then check if she still incests.

6. CHOP OFF YOUR RIGHT ARM: That’ll reduce her persistence since she can’t tie the rakhi anymore. It’ll also add credence to the fact that you like Jaime’s character.

 

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7. TELL HER HOW DUMB YOU FIND RAKHI, and how you think Rakhi Savant is the greatest irony ever. I’m personally going to use this one since this pun, although is kind of horrible and looks forced, took ages. If she gets the pun, she’ll most likely want to marry you.

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8. MAKE HER WATCH ‘BROTHERS’: following which she’ll hate anything that is even closely related to the word ‘brother’. BTW, I have watched Brothers and written a review about it. You can find it at iwantafullrefund.com

9. NEGOTIATE: If she has a sister, tell her to become your sister-in-law instead.

10. ASK HER if being her brother means you get a part of the property she is entitled to. Watch her do a U-turn that will force Mulayam Singh Yadav to stand and applaud.

11. RUN. Legend has it that light, sound, and a guy on the verge of being bhai-zoned are the fastest entities in the universe after Usain Bolt.

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Happy Rakshabandhan!

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